These days, it’s common to scroll through social media feeds and see certain “buzzy” terms in captions and on images, like “gaslighting,” “golden handcuffs,” “brightsiding,” “parentification” and “fawning.” But what is fawning, exactly?
Dr. Ingrid Clayton, licensed clinical psychologist with a master’s in transpersonal psychology and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back, is a self-proclaimed fawner, herself, and has plenty of insights to share about this particular trauma response. Yep, that’s right—it’s actually a trauma response. But it’s not always an obvious behavior for the fawners themselves, or those around them, to notice.
Dr. Clayton tells Parade why it’s easy for fawning behavior to “hide in plain sight,” and reveals six signs of chronic fawning to look out for. Plus, she explains what steps should be taken in order to heal—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Related: People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Often Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
What Is Fawning?
As Dr. Clayton explains on her website, “Sometimes referred to as ‘please and appease,‘ the fawn response is often equated with people-pleasing or codependency. However, both of those terms imply that we have some agency in our actions. Fawning is not a conscious choice.”
That’s why it’s important for people to realize that “fawning” is another trauma response, alongside “fight, flight and freeze.”
By recognizing fawning as the trauma response that it is, “It reframes behaviors often labeled as people-pleasing or codependency as instinctive survival responses, hardwired in the nervous system,” she tells Parade. “This trauma-informed perspective helps reduce the stigma and shame that many carry, especially those who’ve been told their struggles are simply a matter of lacking assertiveness. When we understand fawning as the body’s way of staying safe in threatening environments, we open the door to real healing, not just the performance of it.”
Why Is It Easy To Overlook Fawning as a Trauma Response?
“Fawning hides in plain sight,” Dr. Clayton tells Parade. “While fight and flight are visceral and observable, fawning often presents as socially rewarded behavior: helpfulness, agreeableness, empathy, selflessness. These qualities are not only applauded in most cultures, they are actively conditioned, especially in women and marginalized groups.”
She continues, explaining, “Fawning doesn’t look like a trauma response, it looks like being ‘a good kid,’ ‘the strong one,’ ‘the peacemaker,’ or ‘the one everyone can count on.’ The internal cost of chronic anxiety, loss of identity, somatic distress often goes unseen.”
And that’s not all.
“Fawning is also harder to name because it’s a relational response where we lean into relationships that may be harming us, rather than away,” she explains. “Relational safety depends on not fighting back or attempting to escape (as these would escalate the danger).”
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6 Signs of Chronic Fawning, According to a Clinical Psychologist
1. Minimizing your needs, emotions or physical cues
“Fawners often override what they feel—emotionally and physically—in favor of staying connected, compliant or ‘low maintenance,'” Dr. Clayton says. “We privilege those in power and diminish ourselves, hoping that being easygoing will keep us safe or accepted.”
What to do instead: “Start with micro-practices of self-attunement,” she suggests. “Check in with your body a few times a day and ask, ‘What do I need right now?’ You don’t have to act on it immediately … just noticing is a radical shift.”
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Hypervigilance masked as caretaking
“Fawners are often anxious without realizing it,” Dr. Clayton explains. “We manage that anxiety through people-pleasing, caretaking or reading the emotional temperature of the room. Our nervous systems stay on high alert: Are they mad at me? Did I do enough?“
What to do instead: “Reclaim your internal sense of safety,” she stresses. “This might mean grounding exercises, nervous system regulation, or simply pausing before jumping in to ‘fix’ someone else’s discomfort. Ask, ‘Is this mine to carry?’”
3. Shapeshifting to match your environment
“We wear masks, contort ourselves and morph into whatever others need us to be,” Dr. Clayton says. “This might look like staying silent, joining in on gossip or saying yes when we mean no.”
What to do instead: “Reflect after the fact,” she recommends. “Ask yourself, ‘What do I wish I had done differently?’ and ‘What was I afraid might happen if I were more authentic?’ This gentle curiosity builds self-awareness and opens opportunities for self-compassion and presence going forward.
Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
4. Conflict avoidance
“Many fawners grew up learning that any form of pushback made things worse,” Dr. Clayton tells Parade. “We don’t stop being angry—we stop telling people about it. We become perpetual peacemakers while resentment builds underneath.”
What to do instead: “Let yourself name what’s true—even if it’s just in a journal,” she says. “Saying ‘I’m angry’ or ‘That hurt’ to yourself is the first step in reclaiming your inner voice. Then, practice safe, low-stakes boundary setting in everyday interactions.”
5. Carrying the emotional and logistical weight in relationships
“Fawners tend to take on the role of emotional manager, cheerleader or therapist,” Dr. Clayton explains. “We are the workplace ‘glue’—solving problems, holding it all together and often being praised for it. But it’s exhausting, and resentment usually follows.”
What to do instead: “Ask yourself, ‘What am I doing out of obligation, and what am I doing out of care?'” she says. “Begin renegotiating your role, even if it starts with letting something drop or delegating one task.”
6. Chronic self-abandonment for external approval
“At the core of fawning is this painful equation: If there’s less of me, I’ll be safer with you,” Dr. Clayton shares. “So we give up parts of ourselves—truths, needs, boundaries—in exchange for belonging or approval.”
What to do instead: “Practice internal validation,” she says. “Ask: ‘What do I think, feel or need?’ It’s okay if that feels foreign or scary at first. The goal isn’t to get it right—it’s to become someone who listens inwardly.”
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
What To Do if You Feel Selfish While Putting Yourself First
When you start to listen inwardly to yourself and make decisions that put yourself first, it may feel disorienting, and maybe even “bad.” But that’s far from the truth of the situation.
“For fawners, feeling ‘selfish’ when you begin to honor your own needs isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re doing something new,” Dr. Clayton explains. “I often tell people to expect guilt at first. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re selfish; it means you’re shifting out of a survival pattern.”
“When you’ve been conditioned to equate worthiness with self-abandonment, choosing yourself can feel like betrayal,” she continues. “But it’s actually a return to integrity. You’re not harming others by taking up space, you’re simply stepping into a more whole, truthful version of yourself. And from that place, your care for others can actually become more genuine.”
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Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging ‘People-Pleasers’ To Start Doing This One Thing
Source:
This story was originally reported by Parade on Sep 13, 2025, where it first appeared in the Life section. Add Parade as a Preferred Source by clicking here.
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