We all have different ways of coping with pressure, difficult personalities, stress or trauma. And while most of us are familiar with the common fight, flight or freeze responses, there’s another option that people-pleasers, in particular, can relate to: the fawn response.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton, licensed clinical psychologist with a master’s in transpersonal psychology and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back (out September 9), is passionate about bringing attention to this response as a mental health expert and fawner, herself.
As Dr. Clayton explains on her website, “Sometimes referred to as ‘please and appease,‘ the fawn response is often equated with people-pleasing or codependency. However, both of those terms imply that we have some agency in our actions. Fawning is not a conscious choice.”
Fortunately, once we’re aware of this response, we can try to make some changes. For example, Dr. Clayton tells Parade the #1 thing people-pleasers should start doing now, and why it makes such a difference. Plus, she reveals how it’s related to inner child work as well.
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
The #1 Thing People-Pleasers Should Start Doing, a Clinical Psychologist Says
“Start getting curious,” Dr. Clayton tells Parade. “Fawning is rooted in seeking safety through external rules/permission/validation, so the antidote begins by gently turning inward. Instead of asking ‘What do they need from me?’ we can ask, ‘What am I feeling? What do I need? What do I wish I could say?'”
It might sound simple, but it’s incredibly impactful.
“Curiosity is the foundation of healing from chronic fawning,” she explains. “It helps us notice the patterns, explore the fears underneath and begin reconnecting with our own inner voice. You don’t have to change everything at once. Just start by noticing. Every act of inward attention builds self-trust and that’s the essence of unfawning.”
And one of the best ways to embrace this curiosity is through inner child work.
Related: If You’re a People-Pleaser, You’ve Probably Said These 7 Things Before
6 Best Ways To Use Curiosity With Inner Child Work
Wondering what inner child work even is, and how it relates to being curious about yourself?
“Inner child work is about building a relationship with the parts of ourselves that adapted to survive,” Dr. Clayton tells Parade. “Especially the younger parts that had to fawn, stay small or silence their needs. It may sound abstract, but it’s deeply practical and healing.”
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Here are six ways to do it.
1. Write letters to your younger self
“Let your adult-self offer compassion, protection or validation you didn’t receive at the time,” Dr. Clayton says. “This helps bridge the disconnection between past and present selves.”
2. Name and notice your triggers
“When you feel overly reactive or anxious in a situation, ask: ‘How old do I feel right now?'” she says. “This can reveal where your inner child is activated, inviting you to soothe rather than judge yourself.”
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
3. Create a safe, nurturing space—mentally or physically
“Whether it’s a cozy corner with comforting objects or a visualization of a safe caregiver holding your younger self, these practices help rewire the nervous system by introducing safety where there was once fear,” Dr. Clayton explains.
4. Speak to yourself with gentleness
“Practice replacing inner criticism with curiosity,” she suggests. “If you wouldn’t say it to a hurting 7-year-old, don’t say it to yourself. Or when you do, see if you can try again.”
Related: 7 Behaviors That People-Pleasers Don’t Even Realize They’re Doing, a Psychotherapist Warns
5. Meet unmet needs
“If you were never allowed to rest, play, express anger or receive comfort, begin giving yourself permission to experience those things now,” Dr. Clayton says. “These are major acts of repair!”
6. Use imagery or photos
“Looking at a photo of yourself as a child can help soften defenses and make the connection feel more real,” she explains. “You might keep one near your desk or journal. I keep an old photo of myself in my wallet.”
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Source:
This story was originally reported by Parade on Sep 9, 2025, where it first appeared in the Life section. Add Parade as a Preferred Source by clicking here.
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