Here’s Why Lonely People Are Afraid of Compliments

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Loneliness refers to a distressing subjective experience that occurs when a person’s social relationships do not satisfy their belonging needs.

Past research suggests lonely people fear negative judgment, but a recent study proposes that loneliness is also associated with fear of positive evaluation.

Loneliness and fear of being judged

Before discussing the fear of positive evaluation, I briefly explain the link between loneliness and fear of negative evaluation.

Many lonely people worry about receiving a negative evaluation—doing something embarrassing, causing offense, or harming another person. They live in constant fear of being criticized, rejected, and even abandoned.

To reduce the likelihood of such outcomes, they keep their thoughts and emotions to themselves—even if it means feeling fake and inauthentic in social situations.

In fact, they may not only feel inauthentic but also appear inauthentic to others. Why? As a result of overreliance on “expressive suppression.”

Expressive suppression is an emotion regulation strategy that involves preventing or altering emotional expression. Two common examples are smiling despite feeling depressed and putting on a poker face to hide anxiety.

But what if socially anxious people were to receive positive evaluations? For instance, being complimented on their appearance, intelligence, talent, skills, or success. Or being reminded of their character strengths (e.g., sense of humor, compassion). Would that allow them to relax and be their authentic selves?

Not necessarily. Surprisingly, positive evaluation may be just as anxiety-provoking, according to a recent investigation published in Psychological Reports, as detailed below.

Investigating the relationship between loneliness and fear of positive evaluation

Sample: 467 college students from Turkey; average age of 21 years old (range of 18 to 29 years); 83 percent female.

Measures: Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale; Brief Fear of Negative Evaluation Scale; The Fear of Positive Evaluation Scale; Emotion Regulation Questionnaire; UCLA Loneliness Scale.

Results: Loneliness was associated with a fear of positive evaluation.

As expected, this relationship was mediated by social anxiety and expressive suppression.

In addition, individuals high in fear of positive evaluation reported more loneliness, social anxiety, and reliance on suppression emotion regulation strategies.

Akkus, the study’s author, notes these results agree with previous findings that have linked fear of positive evaluation with anxiety, avoidance, intimate relationship problems, and fear of abandonment.

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Loneliness, maladaptive self-schemas, and the fear of positive evaluation

How can we explain the association between loneliness and a fear of positive evaluation? Why would receiving compliments cause anxiety?

The answer likely concerns the nature of some lonely people’s self-schemas (i.e., self-related perceptions and beliefs).

People generally seek information consistent with their schemas. Self-schemas also affect how people interpret events. For example, an employee with high self-esteem expects courteous and constructive feedback, not workplace bullying or harassment. Furthermore, the employee is more likely to interpret neutral behavior as respectful (vs. hostile), which reduces misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

In contrast, when a person’s self-perceptions are negative and distorted (known as maladaptive self-schemas), their expectations will be negative too. Someone who grew up believing they are defective, stupid, incompetent, or unlovable will expect mistreatment—such as neglect, disrespect, harassment, bullying, etc.

If they were to receive admiration or praise, their response may be to distrust the positive feedback and feel lied to or even manipulated or mocked.

For example, a lonely heterosexual man who believes “I’m ugly and repulsive” may anticipate spending the rest of his life alone. If he were approached by an attractive woman who showed romantic interest in him, the man might reason that she is being manipulative and has a hidden agenda.

Challenging maladaptive schemas

Challenging maladaptive schemas is key to reducing loneliness and social isolation. But it requires exposure to corrective social information—accurate feedback that can be trusted.

To receive helpful feedback, one needs to be open and honest and begin sharing with others, gradually talking about deep feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires. This can feel scary at first. However, without vulnerability, authentic relationships cannot form.

Through regular positive social interactions, it becomes possible to feel less lonely, experience emotional support, and form healthy relationships that will challenge maladaptive schemas and support self-esteem.